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April 21: Barbecuing on the High Seas
April 19:Beginners guide to nautical terms
April 12: The Garbologist and the art of garbology

Friday, 19th April: A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO NAUTICAL TERMS

Bow: not what you do when you see the Captain, 1st Mate, Chief Engineer, or anyone who is your superior, nor something seawomen wear in their hair, or apparatus used to fire arrows, but the front the ship.

Fore: not a misshit golf shot, or a misspelt number but the general term for the front area of the ship.

Stern: how the Chief Engineer looks most of the time and also the back of the ship.

Aft: general term for the back area of the ship.

Starboard: not the only wooden plank from which astrology lovers have the best view of the heavens, but the right side of the ship when facing towards the bow.

Port: not an alcoholic beverage taken in the Captain's cabin in the early evening, but the left side of the ship, facing towards the bow. Also the place where you come ashore.

Hull: not a town on the East coast of England, but the 9-10 millimetres of metal between you and the Big Blue (ocean).

Porthole: not only on the port side of the ship, but round windows situated in the ship's hull to both port and starboard: there is no such thing as a starboardhole (you hope).

Poop deck: no toilets here, but surprisingly where you go aft for a breath of fresh air (when the smokers aren't there). Or in this case for a high seas barbecue!

The Bridge: not a structure that connects two pieces of land over an expanse of water, but the navigation control room where the mates keep a look out.

Monkey Island: not some exotic island discovered mid-ocean, but the roof of the bridge where the mast and radars are situated.

Crow's Nest: not the birth place of young chicks, but a lookout point at the top of the mast.

Lower deck: The "dungeons" that house the lowest in the chain of command.

The Mess: not what you find in the Lower Deck cabins, but where you meet to eat.

The Galley: nautical term for the kitchen.

Bilge: the dirty water slurping around in the bottom of the ship (hmmm slightly worrying this one)…

Fo'c'sle: (pronounced Folksle) not a term of endearment for a small Flag of Convenience (FOC) vessel, but the room below decks in the bow, where the mooring ropes and anchor are stowed.

Muster station: not some place in need of some fresh air (like the Lower Decks), but the place where you meet in case of emergency or abandoning ship.

Pilot's door: not the door to the helicopter pilot's cabin, but a door in the side of the hull, near sea level where the pilot gets on board and Greenpeace activists leap in and out of inflatables.

BA: not a study pack leading to a Bachelor in the Arts of Seamanship, or a British airline, but Breathing Apparatus on board to fight fires.

Hatch: this does not happen in the crow's nest, but is the name for a number of doors fitted horizontally into the deck floor, leading to below deck and often emergency exits.

Gangway: not what you yell when someone's in your way, or a special exit for pirates, but the walkways around the side of the ship.

Flares: not a fashion trend amongst hippies and early Greenpeace activists in the '70s, but something like a firework that you let off in case of emergency to draw attention to yourself, or which you throw into the water to mark the position in the water of anyone falling overboard.

1st Mate: not necessarily your best friend or lover.