Name: Dave's shoes

Position on board: Living hell

Nationality: United Kingdom

Hi, I'm Dave's shoes.

I've been attached, on and off, to Dave's feet for the last 16 years. And I can't stand it any more. I need help to get away, and fast. Whatever it was that I did in a previous life - I'm sorry.

Dave and I first became aquainted when, in mad and rash move, he decided to take up jogging. Not something any decent human being would want to engage in. Somewhere he'd heard that he'd need good jogging shoes. I didn't come cheap. I came kicking and screaming. I saw Dave walk in the shop, and tried to hide. I couldn't cope with the thought of a lifetime attached to the feet of an ageing hippy. Not only that, but the hippy was a pony tailed red head for god's sake. The jogging craze lasted all of 5 minutes. Dave had forgotten to tie my laces properly, tripped, fell and badly grazed his knee. In a fit of pique I was thrown in to a cupboard.

He only allowed me to come out if I agreed to be his action shoes. This has condemed me to a life of physical and mental torture. He insists on covering me in toxic waste, or nuclear discharges. If he can't find waste he subjects me to total water immersion for hours on end. On other occasions I'm just feeling warm and comfortable on dry land and he treats me to a shower of red hot sparks from angle grinders simply because he stupidly got himself chained to a gate and the police wanted to cut him off.

I can't go on much longer, it has been 16 years of hell. Please, please help me get away.

In desperation,
Dave's shoes

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